Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: HELLO … Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: ‘Round’ is a shape!

In the interest of clearing up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets…

I couldn’t help myself.


Food Levity — 4 Comments

  1. I still don’t know if this is for true or you are just kidding, but boy I had a good laugh with this article.

    Really cute.

  2. Hey Gus,
    Every now and then I throw a curve ball…so now you know about my warped sense of humor. I can’t find the original source of this but thought it was fun anyway. Glad you liked it, too.

  3. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

    It’s not often that I actually Laugh Out Loud, even though I use the acronym LOL with fair frequency. I really did laugh out loud at this one though – then I called my wife to tell her about it, and she did, too. Well done!

  4. Daniel,
    I still laugh out loud every time I read this, too…it’s important to keep some levity in an otherwise serious business!
    I see that you have written three books – kudos. ONE is my next project – and that seems daunting!

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